Update

I don't feel like writing at all but hoping somehow it will help. I was in the ER twice for severe anxiety because I didn't know that was what I was experiencing and felt like I was dying.  I couldn't work or eat or get out of bed. I ran out of money and moved back in with my mom. The ER gave me stupid meds that didn't work. My doctor here put me on better meds now I'm taking Paxil and Klonopin. I have always been against pharmaceuticals but at this point I will try anything that might take these horrible feelings away.

Just Break Already

The sickness that comes with my anxiety I mentioned in the last post is taking over my life and making it so I can't work. I feel so ill I have to lie down and I can't have a normal conversation with anyone. I threw up while driving recently (laugh it up) and it rattled me to realize the effects of my anxiety were putting me in danger. I have not been eating enough. I have been smoking way too much weed. I cut again.  I have no fucking money and my rent and other bills are due in a week. I have been trying to take steps towards finding a therapist but since I have no money all I can do is pick out names right now.

I feel like I have reached a breaking point but what does that mean anyway? I wish something in me would just suddenly snap even if it is bad just to break this cycle and create some kind of change. But, I feel like I am already broken and nothing is different. I am done with being addicted to my problems. I am done with drama. I want help and I. Do Not. Know. What. The. Fuck.

Anxiety and Sickness

It's pretty common for people to get that butterflies in your stomach feeling before they go on stage or speak in front of a crowd. But I have this amplified by a million. Instead of when I'm nervous, it's just all the time and way way worse if I am nervous about something. And instead of butterflies it's like a rabid weasel with bad breath and sharp claws running around inside me. Usually I just hide it, pretend like nothing is wrong, or if people can tell I just lie and say I have a cold or something. But lately it is starting to cause a problem. I can't fucking work! I am a dancer and I love love love being on stage; it's dealing with all the people that gets to me. Most days I can just take some Xanax I buy on the street but it's not working anymore. If I take enough to help my brain, my body will fall asleep. I get awful nausea, cold sweats, shakes, headaches, dizziness, you name it. Sometimes I'll even throw up. I feel like I need to be in a fucking institution.

I haven't cut since shortly after my last post, but the other day at the craft store I stole a pack of razor blades. I could have easily afforded them, I am not paranoid about what the cashiers think.... The sneakiness of stealing my implements is kind of part of it. Its part of that dirty little secret, partners in crime with myself thing that somehow seems to make me feel less lonely. Someone is visiting me and staying at my house so I don't really get any opportunities to cut right now, otherwise I would. This person sees me naked and would notice right away if I had new cuts, and I don't want to ruin their vacation.

So I tried that whole crying out for help thing a while ago, and that didn't get me very far. Then I tried directly and clearly asking my closest friends for help, and somehow that didn't get me anywhere either! I have a lot of pride and never ask for help so when I do, people that know me know it must be serious. I keep asking my best friend to help me find a therapist because they know some people in that field but nothing is moving. I know my friends all have their own problems but hey sorry if my crisis doesn't have perfect timing, when do crisis ever happen at a convenient time?! I keep bringing it up and speak very clearly about how seriously I think I need help and why it might be bad if I don't get that help soon... I just need someone to find me a person and make an appointment. I am waaaay to overwhelmed to start from square one and google search shrinks in my area. Too much. Just let me show up and start working on getting better. And I know that nobody has the answers to my problems. I know that all the answers to happiness and fulfillment are inside myself. I just need someone to ask the right questions...
And maybe send me home with some crazy pills...

My Day So Far

I am no longer "anorexic" but I still have an eating disorder. I know I am thin and I want to gain weight but I hate food and I don't force myself to eat enough. I have not had anything but coffee today and I probably won't be able to stomach any food until late.

I am sitting around waiting for my pot dealer to call me back. I don't know why I don't just get more before I run completely out. I smoked my last little crumbs this morning as soon as I woke up.

I cut myself a few times today and I'm about to do it again just because:
*I am bored
*I am impatient and it will make the time pass much faster
*There are a lot of thoughts going around in my head too fast and this makes them shut up for a minute
*It's a cry for help
*Maybe I will go buy or make some new bracelets to hide my cuts and then I won't be bored anymore because I'll have  a mission
*Here's the BEST one: I am lonely and when I focus on my dark dirty secrets, I feel like in a way I am friends with myself, sharing an inside joke with myself, partners in crime with myself... So it takes like 0.001% of that loneliness away.

**EDIT**
Dealer still hasn't called me back. It is amazing how much $$$ I spend to keep myself constantly high. About $300 every month. I cut again and chugged a glass of wine. BECAUSE!
*I am still bored
*I am still trying to pass time
*Alcohol makes me feel happy
*I have more internal monologue when I'm tipsy, which kind of keeps me company.
*Everything feels deeper and more meaningful, which is fulfilling.
*I feel more connected to people around me, even if I am not interacting with them.
*Maybe I'll come up with a crazy adventurous idea I wouldn't otherwise do, so I have something to occupy my time
*It numbs pain and amplifies pleasure
*I need SOME kind of chemical mind-altering-ness if I can't get my pot yet.

First One

This reminds me of when I started doing this in middle school, before the days of Xanga, Myspace, then Facefuck.

I feel like a lot of other areas of my life have regressed to my middle school era, so I figured I might as well start doing this again. 

I have been wanting to do this for a while (especially whenever I get drunk). Here is my new place to piss and moan and bitch and complain. I hope to vent some frustration, and feel loved by random strangers that may happen to leave comments and give me any kind of attention.