Anxiety and Sickness

It's pretty common for people to get that butterflies in your stomach feeling before they go on stage or speak in front of a crowd. But I have this amplified by a million. Instead of when I'm nervous, it's just all the time and way way worse if I am nervous about something. And instead of butterflies it's like a rabid weasel with bad breath and sharp claws running around inside me. Usually I just hide it, pretend like nothing is wrong, or if people can tell I just lie and say I have a cold or something. But lately it is starting to cause a problem. I can't fucking work! I am a dancer and I love love love being on stage; it's dealing with all the people that gets to me. Most days I can just take some Xanax I buy on the street but it's not working anymore. If I take enough to help my brain, my body will fall asleep. I get awful nausea, cold sweats, shakes, headaches, dizziness, you name it. Sometimes I'll even throw up. I feel like I need to be in a fucking institution.

I haven't cut since shortly after my last post, but the other day at the craft store I stole a pack of razor blades. I could have easily afforded them, I am not paranoid about what the cashiers think.... The sneakiness of stealing my implements is kind of part of it. Its part of that dirty little secret, partners in crime with myself thing that somehow seems to make me feel less lonely. Someone is visiting me and staying at my house so I don't really get any opportunities to cut right now, otherwise I would. This person sees me naked and would notice right away if I had new cuts, and I don't want to ruin their vacation.

So I tried that whole crying out for help thing a while ago, and that didn't get me very far. Then I tried directly and clearly asking my closest friends for help, and somehow that didn't get me anywhere either! I have a lot of pride and never ask for help so when I do, people that know me know it must be serious. I keep asking my best friend to help me find a therapist because they know some people in that field but nothing is moving. I know my friends all have their own problems but hey sorry if my crisis doesn't have perfect timing, when do crisis ever happen at a convenient time?! I keep bringing it up and speak very clearly about how seriously I think I need help and why it might be bad if I don't get that help soon... I just need someone to find me a person and make an appointment. I am waaaay to overwhelmed to start from square one and google search shrinks in my area. Too much. Just let me show up and start working on getting better. And I know that nobody has the answers to my problems. I know that all the answers to happiness and fulfillment are inside myself. I just need someone to ask the right questions...
And maybe send me home with some crazy pills...