I am no longer "anorexic" but I still have an eating disorder. I know I am thin and I want to gain weight but I hate food and I don't force myself to eat enough. I have not had anything but coffee today and I probably won't be able to stomach any food until late.
I am sitting around waiting for my pot dealer to call me back. I don't know why I don't just get more before I run completely out. I smoked my last little crumbs this morning as soon as I woke up.
I cut myself a few times today and I'm about to do it again just because:
*I am bored
*I am impatient and it will make the time pass much faster
*There are a lot of thoughts going around in my head too fast and this makes them shut up for a minute
*It's a cry for help
*Maybe I will go buy or make some new bracelets to hide my cuts and then I won't be bored anymore because I'll have a mission
*Here's the BEST one: I am lonely and when I focus on my dark dirty secrets, I feel like in a way I am friends with myself, sharing an inside joke with myself, partners in crime with myself... So it takes like 0.001% of that loneliness away.
**EDIT**
Dealer still hasn't called me back. It is amazing how much $$$ I spend to keep myself constantly high. About $300 every month. I cut again and chugged a glass of wine. BECAUSE!
*I am still bored
*I am still trying to pass time
*Alcohol makes me feel happy
*I have more internal monologue when I'm tipsy, which kind of keeps me company.
*Everything feels deeper and more meaningful, which is fulfilling.
*I feel more connected to people around me, even if I am not interacting with them.
*Maybe I'll come up with a crazy adventurous idea I wouldn't otherwise do, so I have something to occupy my time
*It numbs pain and amplifies pleasure
*I need SOME kind of chemical mind-altering-ness if I can't get my pot yet.
I got my weed! yay. The Cook was there and gave me some new Mollie to try out. Going to save it for a special occasion.
ReplyDeleteI love when I wrap up my wrist to go out, then when I take it off at home later, the cuts start bleeding again <3<3<3<3
Ok, I will bite....what's up? I mean, I used to cut and one thing about is that I hid it and certainly would never sit online and actually speak of it to others. I am not saying you are lying, I am just curious to why you are being so vocal about it..... I mean, are you looking for attention? Again, I don't know how to ask these questions without sounding like an asshole, so please don't take my words in an "attacking" sort of way - I seriously am not trying to give a negative tone...I just like to be straightforward. :)
ReplyDelete